Note to self:

Note to self: Stop staying up so late, sitting at your desk, staring at the computer screen hoping a certain someone is going to come online. She hardly ever does, she's too busy. Probably too busy to even think of you, so just forget it already.

I miss you, still.

A few months ago, we used to sit up late, laughing at the rediculous things people were selling on the Flea Market website in Brisbane...stupid stuff for $2, thinking, why would you even waste your time posting an ad and then meeting someone, just so you could make $2? We used to have fits of laughter... I wish i had recorded our chuckles...

I'm on that site now, having a giggle, wishing you were beside me to share the laughs.

You are talking to me on msn now. It's so hard to hear about the rough times that you are going through at the moment. I wish I could just stretch out my hand and wave all your problems away. Yeah, with my magic wand. Yeah, right.

I can't wait until the day that everything is resolved for you, and we can go back to laughing about things that don't even matter. I'm so over the seriousness, but I'm here for you, and I will be serious, supportive, caring, understanding and a good listener for as long as you need or want me to be.

I miss you... still...

xox

How shit was last night. I wish you were here so I could talk to you about it because a problem shared with you is a problem more than halved.

It was nearly midnight, but I was in a well-light area outside of McDonalds and starbucks when 12 people surrounded me, one with a knife, and demanded that we give them money or my mobile phone. If the police hadn't come to help me when they had, I don't know what would have happened.

When that knife was pointed at me, why did I think of you? Maybe I was scared that I would never see your face again. Whatever, It's going to be hard to forget you, but I am going to try.

By the way, if you are reading these posts and think I'm a wuss, or that I am wasting your time, then just don't read it anymore. I'm just writing these for myself.

xox

Pouring my heart out.

We have been friends for so long, and I thought that was all it was, but now that you have been gone for a few months, I realize that you mean more to me than just a friend. I did'n't really connect the dots, I mean, I think of you all the time, spy on your facebook photos, and always there are things that remind me of you, but I didn't actually acknowledge that I loved you. '

It sucks now, because it's harder to know that I love you than not. I don't even know how long I have loved you, perhaps since we first met, two and a half years ago? Maybe it was love at first sight and I didn't even know it. You always say to me, "you have had so many girlfriends!" But what if that was just me trying to get over you, subconciously, not even knowing? I mean, this love that I feel, it is different.

It's not sexual, it's not lust. When I think of you, I don't think dirty thoughts, I think of perhaps saving to buy a house together, having a family and then growing old together, but then I am snapped back into reality where I am sitting on a bus, cheeks against the cold window, listening to depressing love songs.

How did I suddenly realise I loved you? It was tonight, while I was waiting at the bus stop, when I saw a couple walk past, they seemed so happy, and I asked myself 'why don't I have that?' But then I realised, I do have that... I do have a girlfriend, and we always walk hand in hand, we always laugh and cuddle. But what I don't have is true love. Yet again, I've chosen a girl who is pretty, kind, smart and very much compatable to me, but I don't truly love her. Why? Because I love you. So even though I have the illusion of a happy relationship, and I can fool those around me, I can't fool myself, and it is painful.

But then, what if this is just a momentary thing? It is probably not. To be honest, I have thought this many times over the last two years, and whenever I am intimate with a girl, I close my eyes and imagine that is is you I am kissing, or embracing. When I drift off to sleep, I think of you, and then I dream of you, and then I wake up and you are so far away and there is nothing that I can do to being you closer. I don't know if that's what hurts more, or the fact that it probably will never work out.

I mean, i don't want to lose you as a friend. It's like I've run the marathon, and I am 20 meters from the finish line, but between me and there is a raging fire, and the only way to go is through it. What is better, to stay 20m from the finish, not knowing what would happen, to try and make it and get burnt, or perhaps even make it through the fire unscaved, and finish? Well, being realistic, even stepping foot in that fire would mean death, and telling you my true feelings would mean the end of our friendship.

On that bus ride tonight, I had one song on reply, it was 'been waiting' by jessica malboy. I know that is lame, but I just felt like every lyric in that song was perfect for my sittuation. I really connected to that song.

Anyway, there is so much more that I want to say, but I will save it for next time. I think that I will just write in this blog every day, because I've kept all this inside of me for way too long, it has to come out, and dealing with this means writing it (or typing it out) so that I can collect my thoughts. I guess the day that I close this blog will be the day that I get over you. This is just the first step, and I will get there one day.

Until then, this is me, signing off.



So now that you are gone, what can I do? Should I follow my heart, and keep visiting you where you are, so far away? Or should I just be smart and just not contact you anymore. I know that would kill me in the short term, but would it be better off in the long run? And then I think, I am still young, is this some kind of juvinile love story that people older than me are just going to scoff at? Well, all I can say to that is that this is all I have to work with, this is my life, these are my feelings and that is all I know.

Blegh

Sometimes people annoy, not because they are actually being annoying, but because they are right when I want them to be wrong. 

Last week, my friend encouraged me to start playing a game on face book called restaurant city. How could that piss you off? I hear you ask. It wasn't the fact that he invited me to play the game that annoyed me, but the fact that he followed his invitation with "don't pay real money for game points, I know you probably will want to."

At first, I felt disgruntled because I thought to myself, 'you don't know me at all!' Of course I wouldn't pay real money for game points, but why would my friend think that I would? Probably because I am 19 years old, still do not have a job, and practically take the easy or fun way out of everything.

Despite telling myself numerous times that I will get my act together, I just haven't. I have made small steps, like losing weight and getting fit, like getting better grades, but I still spend way too much money that isn't mine. 

Tonight, I have taken the necessary steps to change all this. I have written a resume (which despite my lack of work history isn't so bad). Probably doesn't sound like much, but for me it is a huge step in actually acknowledging that I need to do something with my life. 

I feel that this next semester is do-or-die for me. Next year I am planning on starting an entirely new degree, either law, or law and journalism or law and business. Yes, a big step up from bachelor of arts, but if i knuckle down and prove to myself that I can actually work hard and achieve the things that I want to, then I will be unstoppable. 

A korean saying goes, "starting is already half way"

I hope that saying is true... 

storm

When storms come, huge raindrops fall from the sky. Rather than irrigating the land, they wash away fertile top-soil. While there is the excitement of the storm, nobody cares to foresee the future and all the damage that is going to have to be dealt with. Right now, China is in the middle of such a storm. Huge economic growth is washing away the top soil of society, creating a ever increasing gap between rich and poor and generating social unrest. When the storm blows over, a huge rescue mission will be required. China needs long lasting drizzle to create sustained growth, so that all Chinese can one day bask in their nations glory. 

I AM IN LOVE!!

I used to think that people who were in love with celebrities were just fools.

Now, I am one of those fools.

I have the biggest crush on Jessica Mauboy. In fact, she probably has a 50% share in my heart, the other 50% goes to my girlfriend. Thank god she doesn't know about this blog.

Jessica, if you ever read this, will you come to Karaoke with me? 

Yours Truly,

Harry Harding.